Finally.

I haven't blogged all summer. Wow.  This is partially because I have been gone a great deal, but partially because I have been lazy. I haven't had a whole lot to say.  Somehow, I don't think anyone has taken offense.

Now I do have something to say. I have put off writing about this for a while, but now I'm just going to dive into it.  I think it will be good for me to get this all out there. So here goes.

I spent the entire month of July at Camp Greystone.  It was a phenomenal experience.  I lived in the camp bubble where I was constantly reminded of Christ's love for me, and grew closer to God than I had in a while.  Nothing could go wrong.  Life was perfect.  I knew that I would go into a reality shock when I got home, but I never in my wildest dreams expected anything too severe. 

Boy was I wrong.  Two days after arriving home, I was getting ready for a friend's wedding with my family.  Two family friends, Nes and Adele Arnette, were just crashing at our house waiting to go to a movie as my family and I rushed about getting ready to leave.  Just as I was sitting down in my new steel grey dress to put on my heels, ready to walk out the door, Adele looked up from my MacBook where she was on Facebook and asked if I knew Taylor Elmore.  I said, "Yeah. He goes to West Florence and is in my grade. We have had a class together every semester except one.  He runs cross country and is really nice."  She looked back at me and said, "Well, he just died."

My jaw dropped and I went into a brief state of shock.  I just stared down at Nes and Adele.  I was utterly confused.  I really hate that I found out about this via facebook. Technology is so cold.  After about thirty seconds of confusion, I began to bawl.  I could not fathom what could possibly take my sweet, smart, classmate Taylor from us then, two days before senior registration.  I scrambled around for my phone and pressed number five on speed dial, one of my best friends Shannon Weill.  

I asked Shannon if it was true.  She cried on the other end of the line that it was true, and told me Taylor had been in a car accident earlier that day.  His new friend, who had become a very close friend very quickly so I'm told, Hali Roberson, had been with him in the car and was in Charleston in critical condition. (Hali has been recovering remarkably. Praise God.)  I sat down and just cried.  I did not go to the wedding. I hung with Nes and Adele all night, who have an uncanny ability to get my mind off of things. I called another close friend, Lindsay Miranda who was in Georgia with family, and told her what happened.  I hated the facebook statuses.  I wanted them to go away.  I know everyone meant well. But I could not look at them.  

I have never been through such a huge shock in just a few days.  I went from heaven on earth to a living hell in less than three days.  All I could think about was how much worse it was for Shannon and Beau who were so much closer to Taylor than I was, and I loved him a lot so that is saying something.  Not to mention his family.  I pray that God will keep his hands on Taylor's older brother Brian as he starts classes at Clemson this semester.  

Senior registration felt strangely empty to me.  There was so much that went unsaid.  I suppose we all just wanted to pretend everything was normal. We all new that Taylor's visitation was that night. We just did not mention it.  I have never seen that many of my classmates together without anyone cracking a smile.  I stayed at the visitation much longer than I normally would have in order to support Shannon, and pay my respects to the Elmore family, and to Taylor.  Seeing the body was strangely comforting.  As I saw him, I realized that he was not there.  It was not Taylor.  He certainly was not in the casket.  He is with God. 

The funeral was tragic.  I did not think I could cry anymore.  False.  I cried so much more.  Taylor, you will never be forgotten.  Your contagious smile, as your brother put it, will be in our hearts always.  I heard someone describe you as a quiet kid at first, with an undeniable wit.  That sounded pretty accurate.  You were always fun to discuss political issues with, because we always had the exact same opinion.  You made fun of me in Precal, and I made fun of you.  We compared grades in Coach Smith's class, even though I was taking U.S. History and you were taking European History.  I loved competing with you on grades in Mrs. Jordan and Mrs. Robbins' classes, and I love how we both just gave up competing in Precal because we were both so far from the top.  You were such a good, funny, sweet, smart, talented kid, and that has not been forgotten. 

I have no profound statement to make after going through all this.  All I have to say is that I have wrestled with understanding God's timing for the past year.  I have accepted that I never will understand it, but I still wrestle with it.  I am trying to trust that God's plan is so much bigger than I can fathom.  I am so thankful for God's love for us.  Because of his love, I know that you are in a wonderful place right now.  The only pain I should be feeling is for those of us here.  There is no pain to be felt for you, because you are in a place where there is no more pain.  To us, it seems so tragic that you were taken from this earth days before your senior year began, right on the brink of making college plans and filling out applications. For you, the timing is irrelevant.  You are with God, and while I am sure you miss us, you are somehow not saddened by the separation.  I cannot understand that either, but I do not have to, nor do I deserve to.  We often think we deserve explanations, and we really don't deserve anything, let alone the ultimate gift the Father has given us of His Son.  Why should I deserve an explanation, when I have been given this amazing gift of the knowledge that though you are not with me, you are in no pain, and never will be again? Is that not a big enough gift in and of itself?

We love you, Taylor Elmore.  I am not going to say to rest in peace, because you are not resting.  You are worshiping God in some way or another.  Probably running.  That's what you did best, so I am sure you are now doing it for His glory. So keep running the race Taylor, until we all join you one day.